Second Marriage: 4 Common Fears

Second MarriageSuccessful remarriage – that’s what everyone wants. “I want my second marriage to be my last”. I get asked all the time by members of my online community whether it’s possible to achieve this and how. It makes good sense to be a little hesitant about remarrying. No one rushes to get in line for a second divorce. My concern with these questions though is that they are asked out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of making a bad choice. Fear that things could get worse.

Hesitation is a good thing. It’s what causes us not to just jump into a marriage without really being prepared for it. Fear is another animal altogether though. I encourage my members that if they are fearful about moving forward in a relationship, they really need to take some time to figure out where that is coming from so they can make a good decision regarding which direction to go.

The following are some of the most common reasons they’ve given for being “uncomfortable” with entering a second marriage:

Second Marriage: Fears & Fixes #1

1. Emotions are still strong about the divorce – If you’re still hashing out legalities with your ex. If you’re still arguing on a regular basis. If a lot of your time is spent thinking about your ex (whether negatively or not). You’re not ready for remarriage. It’s just that simple. You’re not ready. Too much of yourself is still wrapped up in the past. You don’t have enough to give toward a future right now.

Second Marriage: Fears & Fixes #2

2. The relationship is still new – I always encourage couples to date for at least 2 years before they marry. If you want to become engaged – go for it! But wait on the vows until you’ve dated for that 2 year period of time! Why? You need to find out who this person really is. I don’t care if you’ve known them for 10 years. Knowing someone and being in a committed relationship with them are not the same.

Second Marriage: Fears & Fixes #3

3. My kids don’t like the idea – No one said you have to get your kids’ permission to get remarried. It depends on each individual situation and each individual child. Some kids will never like any other partner in your life because they refuse to acknowledge that you and their other parent are divorced. Other kids may just be wrestling with this being yet another change for them to deal with. You know your kids. I would encourage you to take moving toward a marriage slowly if the children seem reluctant. Give them more time to get used to the idea (whether they like it or not).

Second Marriage: Fears & Fixes #4

4. I’m not sure about this partner – If you have ANY reservations about whether this is the right person for you to marry or not, then back the wedding plans way off! That’s a legitimate concern. I’d encourage you to take a good, hard, long look at where those concerns are coming from. Are they reasonable or are they just fears brought on by some of the above concerns?

As with all of these, listen to what your spirit is telling you. If you’re fearful – there’s a reason. Take time to sort through the causes of that now, before you’re legally connected in a second marriage.

Alyssa Johnson, LCSW is a counselor, life coach and the founder and creator of The Vibrantly Live System.  To get your F.R.E.E. Special Report, “Stop Trying to Be Perfect:  4 Easy Ways to Enjoy Your Live” and receive articles showing you how to enjoy your life and leave a legacy you’ll be proud of, visit

By Alyssa Johnson
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